Overheard in Pittsburgh

Barry’s Pub, South Side. Saturday Night.
Two drunk 20-something Italian Stallions with big gold chains sit at the bar:
Italian Stallion: Wow, man. These texts that I send? They should be published in the New Yorker, or some shit like that!
[...]
Italian Stallion:[sadly] …Yeah…except I never finish them.
[Italian Stallion proceeds to show a woman he doesn't know an incoherent text to a girl he is trying to “let down easy.”]

— Overheard by Rachel

67F Outbound, near CVS, Wilkins Ave, Squirrel Hill

Man: That’s the house where my sister shot her husband.

[Silence.]

Ice Cream-Eating Contest for Bethel Presbyterian’s Youth Mission Trip fund.
Washington Crown Center Mall, Washington, PA:

Food Court Worker/Contestant #1: Good Luck.
Food Court Worker/Contestant #2: I don’t need luck. I’m a retard.

— Overheard by a happy marketing director

Men’s Restroom, Bagel Factory, Squirrel Hill.
Two College Girls enter the unlocked door to a small but occupied men’s restroom and begin to wash their hands:

College Girl #1: Your mom can’t lock bathroom doors either, can she?
College Girl #2: No, she’s claustrophobic. She can’t even shut the stall door.

— Overheard by Wanton Disregard

Post Office, Millvale.
There is a small line at the end of the day, and two postal workers behind the counter. An older (50-60) woman, large and hunched over, walks up to the counter with a huge pile of Christmas cards:

Woman: I’m going to need 50 Christmas stamps.
Postal Worker: OK… [opens drawer] Do you want “Christmas Cookies” or“Madonna and Child”?
Woman: [Loudly, and sounding slightly offended] Oh! OH! “Madonna and Child”, PLEASE.

[Awkward pause in the post office]

Woman: If I so much as LOOK at a Christmas cookie, I gain 10 pounds.

— Overheard by Etzel

Cathedral Cafe, Cathedral of Learning, Oakland:

Friendly Coffee Lady: Medium or large hazelnut today?
Middle-Aged Redhead Lady: I’ll have a small.
Friendly Coffee Lady: Small hazelnut. Ok.
Middle-Aged Redhead Lady: Small hazelnut. If I have a large, I’ll be peeing all the way home.
Friendly Coffee Lady: Ok!

— Overheard by MacArdle

61B, Oakland:

JumpStart Chick #1: So she just ran up to me and hugged me, and she was like, “Oh my god! I haven’t seen you in so long!” And I was like “Um … I don’t like you.” And it was weird ’cause the guy who was with her, he seemed like a nice guy; he had a look on his face like he was saying, “I’m sorry.” So I was like, “I’m sorry too.”
She was warm, but it was still kind of creepy.
JumpStart Chick #2: Wait: She was warm?
JumpStart Chick #1: Yeah, I’ve been chilly ever since I’ve had this cold.
JumpStart Chick #2: Oh. Right…
[...]
JumpStart Chick #1: Do you think I’m pleasant? I think everyone should be pleasant.

— Overheard by M. Davies

Schenley Quadrangle, Pitt Campus:

Smoking Woman, shouting across the Quad: Debbie, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?
Debbie, yelling back: I HAD TO COME BACK AND PICK UP SOME BIRTH CONTROL!!”

— Overheard by Louise Yeiser

Overheard in Pittsburgh FunFact™: Contrary to popular belief, rinsing out your LadyGear with warm Coca-Cola no longer prevents pregnancy. That was only true of New Coke, which was brought to its knees by the Mighty Catholic Church.

Overheard in Pittsburgh FunFact™: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and straight.