Overheard in Pittsburgh

Eddie’s Cafe, Litchfield Towers, Pitt Campus.
Two College Guys are waiting in the check-out line:

Guy #1: What are those birds that fucking talk?
Guy #2: Parrots?
Guy #1: No, that’s what my teacher said. [thinks] Ravens! That’s right.
Guy #2: Ravens talk? That’s like Edgar Allen Poe shit or something.
Guy #1: No, dude, they for real only say, like, one word ,though.

[…]

Guy #2: [imitating a raven] “Aquafina!?”
Guy #1: Yeah, dude! “Aquafina!” Only I’d make mine say, “Radiator.”

— Overheard by Joshua

EBO Outbound:

Bus Driver: Wilkinsburg Park and Ride: Where you can ride and not park at all or park
and not ride at all! Port Authority offers you options!

Jennie King Mellon Library, Chatham College.

Girl at Desk: [answering phone, hanging up quickly] I hate spam phone calls!
Friend: Yeah! “We can make your bick digger!!” [realizes she is shouting and abruptly puts her head down at the desk]

— Overheard by Moody

Ross Park Mall, Ross Township.
Two Elderly Women wait for the ACCESS bus:

Elderly Woman #1: I do not like Macy*s. Their prices are too high. Then they are putting a Nordstroms in over there. That is not for me. That is for “Angena Jolie” and “Britney Spears”. Not me.
Elderly Woman #2: Ah huh.
Elderly Woman #1: The most I ever spent for a purse was $60. I would never spend $500 for a purse. But, if I did, I would put a big tag on it saying, “I paid $500 for this purse,” so everyone could see how much I spent on it.
Elderly Woman #2: Oh.
Elderly Woman #1: Why did they put shrubs out there? Who the hell wants to come to a mall to see shrubs?
Elderly Woman #2: Ah huh.

Pharmacy Counter, Rite-Aid, Forbes/Murray, Squirrel Hill. 11 p.m.
A man is purchasing Claritin-D, which requires him to scan his license to make sure he’s not making methamphetamine:

40-Something Man: [Scans license] Now you know who I am.
Pharmacist: Well, you know the rules: Just need to make sure you’re just taking this for allergies and are not making bad stuff with it.
40-Something Man: Actually, I’m making enemas with it. For my CATS.
Pharmacist: Well… that’s interesting. What do you cut that with?
40-Something Man: Straight VODKA.
Pharmacist: Suit yourself. Here’s your receipt.

— Overheard by Christopher

Ice Cream-Eating Contest for Bethel Presbyterian’s Youth Mission Trip fund.
Washington Crown Center Mall, Washington, PA:

Food Court Worker/Contestant #1: Good Luck.
Food Court Worker/Contestant #2: I don’t need luck. I’m a retard.

— Overheard by a happy marketing director

An old couple and their grandchildren are walking out of a bathroom at the Galleria at the Pittsburgh Mills Mall, Tarentum:

Old Woman: Look! There’s H&M!
Old Man: Him and Her’s.
Old Woman: That’s what it stands for?

— Overheard by a mall rat

Cold Stone Creamery, Waterworks Mall:

Cheerleader #1: What did you get?
Cheerleader #2: A “Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some™”
Cheerleader #1: No, but what did you get?
Cheerleader #2: A “Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some™”
Cheerleader #1: No, I asked what you got!

And on, and on, until she finally realized her tragic mistake.

— Overheard by Rachel