Overheard in Pittsburgh

Aldi, Etna.
Two elderly women are shopping, and one is trying to reach a bag of Werther’s Original candies from a high shelf.  A younger woman walks over to help her get the bags:

Elderly Woman: Can you get me one of the bags with the red label?  Actually, make it two, no, wait, three.  My husband eats these like candy.

— Overheard by Megan

Principles of Economics Class, Doherty Lecture Hall, CMU.
Lottery numbers for all the students are listed on either side of the room, A to L on the left, M to Z on the right:

Student #1: [yells to student entering room] YO CORNBREAD! YOU’RE ON THE LEFT!!
Student #2: Wait. What are you talking about? His last name is Roberts.
Student #1: Oh right! I was thinking that his last name was Bread from calling him Cornbread.

Borders Eastside, East Liberty.

Woman: Do I need to buy things here, or can I use my library card?
Manager: Ohhhh… You’ll have to to buy anything you want to take out of the store.
Boyfriend: [points to a giant sign that says “Paperchase”] Yeah, can’t you read? That sign says “Purchase!”

— Overheard by C.

71A Inbound. 10 a.m.:

Loud Woman on Cell Phone: Oh, wait, it’s not Duquesne Light.
—Well, I can’t say it, but it’s spelled D-U-Q-U-E-S-N-E.
—Ohhh!

Pitt Shuttle Stop, Top of Cardiac Hill, Oakland. Friday Night.
A drunk girl descends from the shuttle:

Drunk Girl: Um… yeah, hold on… my phone is in Spanish right now.

— Overheard by MLo

Eddie’s Cafe, Litchfield Towers, Pitt Campus.
Two College Guys are waiting in the check-out line:

Guy #1: What are those birds that fucking talk?
Guy #2: Parrots?
Guy #1: No, that’s what my teacher said. [thinks] Ravens! That’s right.
Guy #2: Ravens talk? That’s like Edgar Allen Poe shit or something.
Guy #1: No, dude, they for real only say, like, one word ,though.

[…]

Guy #2: [imitating a raven] “Aquafina!?”
Guy #1: Yeah, dude! “Aquafina!” Only I’d make mine say, “Radiator.”

— Overheard by Joshua

Near the Garden Theater, North Side.
A couple is walking past the porno theater, which the Urban Redevelopment Authority has taken over:

Girl: “Closing the Garden” should become new slang for masturbation.

— Overheard by Grace, in total agreement

Upper Level Chemistry Class, Eberly Hall, Pitt.
Professor writes a complicated equation on the board:

Professor: I don’t know what all these Greek letters are called, so I’m just going to call this “our funny function.”

— Overheard by chem nerd

Outside Subway, Center Ave, Shadyside:

College Girl: [pointing at pastrami sub picture in the window] That’s what you’re getting.
Boyfriend: What? Why do you say that?
College Girl: Because you’re totally gay for pastrami.
Boyfriend: I’m gay for a lot of things.

Nature of Language (Linguistics 101) Class, Carnegie Mellon.
The professor is attempting to show the difference between British English and American English, specifically that the British drop their Rs in certain places:

Professor: Could everyone try to be British and say this word: “Beers”.
Class: Be-as! Be-as!
Loud Girl in Back: IT’S PRONOUNCED “STOUT”!

— Overheard by Connor