Overheard in Pittsburgh

Fifth Avenue, near Litchfield Towers, Pitt Campus. Mid-Afternoon.
Two middle-school-aged boys hang outside the window of a bus that is stuck in traffic to yell at two petite girls who have just left Towers:

Boys: Ya’ll know ya’ll don’t go to Pitt! LITTLE GIRLS!

Food Pavilion, Three Rivers Arts Festival, Downtown.
Two gay men looking at Italian sausages make eyes at each other and smile:

Gay Man #1: They look gooooood .

Gay Man #2: They look like santorum makers.

Starbucks, Forbes/Shady, Squirrel Hill.
A barrista makes a loud, evil laugh:

Barrista #1: Wow, that was some cackle.
Barrista #2: I thought you knew: Under this apron… PURE EEEEVIL!
Barrista #3: I don’t even think that kind of cackle is in my repertoire.

— Overheard by Connor

Cash Register, Ritters, Bloomfield:

Customer: [being silly] Are these toothpicks free?
Waitress: Yeah, right. Nothing in this place is free. [thinks for a moment] The air, maybe. You’d be lucky to get that free.

Outside Bathroom Door, Barry’s Pub, Carson St., South Side. St. Patrick’s Day.
A 20-Something Man who is dressed entirely in in green with leprechaun hat is talking on the cell phone:

Green Guy on Cell: No, dude: I’m at Barry’s. No, you have to come down. Yeah, I’ve been telling everyone you’re dead.

— Overheard by I Can’t Believe Shawn Michaels Tapped Out

Maggie Murph Cafe, Hunt Library, CMU.
Two female college students with ditzy intonation are conversing and drinking
coffee:

Student #1: I, like, totally hate the concept of piñatas. Like, “Um, here’s a little colored animal! Let’s beat it with a stick!” Like, “Here’s a little donkey with pizazz! Let’s knock the crap out of it!” You know?

Students #1 and #2: [excessive giggling]

— Overheard by ivan seismic

61C Outbound, near Mercy Hospital, Soho.
A young woman stands, giving the whole bus a clear, sunlit view of her figure through her skirt:

Teen Boy: [to friend] Hey! Take a look at those nutritious facts!

— Overheard by Connor

Near the Garden Theater, North Side.
A couple is walking past the porno theater, which the Urban Redevelopment Authority has taken over:

Girl: “Closing the Garden” should become new slang for masturbation.

— Overheard by Grace, in total agreement

First day of class for 85-251, “Personality,” at Carnegie Mellon:

Guy #1: Why’re you taking a class on personality? You don’t have one.
Guy #2: That’s why I’m taking it. I’m learning how to get one.
— Overheard by Ka-CHANG

61B Inbound, Oakland:

African American Woman: [Addressing Bus Driver] That’s what I tol’ my son: I put you on this earth, I can take you out. I’ll get my Louisville Slugger. Uncle Sam’s got him over in Iraq now, though.
Bus Driver: So he’s getting whupped for a paycheck instead of for free?!
African American Woman: Exactly. I tol’ all my kids, I brought you in, I’ll take you out. Even my granddaughter, I didn’t bring her in, but I’ll take her out too. I tol’ her that and she went crying to Sharise — her mama — but Sharise just tol’ her “Baby girl, your grammy tol’ me that when I was a little girl too, and I’m sticking to it.” She went
crying to her other grammy, and she tol’ her the same thing I did.
Bus Driver: Amen!

[The bus pulls up to the Pittsburgh Children’s Hospital. The African American woman gets up to start getting off the bus.]

African American Woman: Time to get my nurse on!

—  Overheard by Connor