Overheard in Pittsburgh

Patio, 61C Cafe, Squirrel Hill.
Two hipsters and a stoner are having their morning coffee:

Stoner: Dudes, I bone up every morning — have been for 10 years — and it doesn’t affect me. [looks around and under the table] FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!
Hipster: Dude, what are you looking for?
Stoner: Shit! I left my fuckin’ laptop on the bus!… Or is it in my apartment?… I’ll call my roommate… Fuck, where’s my cell phone?… Shit… Man, I need a joint.

500 Inbound. Evening.
Two disheveled men are talking loudly about cocaine:

Disheveled Man #1: You know where it started don’t you? Cocaine? THE DOCTORS!
Disheveled Man #2: The doctors? You don’t say.
Disheveled Man #1: Yeah, I seen it on the Discovery Channel or the History Channel or some shit. But yeah, man, it was the doctors. All those rich people went to the doctors for the good stuff, and they gave it to them. The doctors.

Forbes Avenue, Oakland:

Guy: [to girl] I guess its sad that since I’m poor, nachos have become part of my monthly cycle.

61B Outbound, Uptown:

60-Year-Old Black Guy in a Golf Cap: [to 20-something co-ed] Sweetheart, you’re beautiful; you make my heart shiver and my liver quiver.

Starbucks, Duquesne University.
Two female college students are standing near the windows:
College Girl #1: My eye is really itchy all of a sudden. I hope I’m not getting pink eye.
College Girl #2: Happy New Years!
College Girl #1: What?!
College Girl #2: Oh my God. My brain isn’t working anymore. I need a break.

— Overheard by Student Extraordinaire

Carnegie Library, East Liberty.

An old man with shoe-polish-black hair is standing at a copier and crooning.

Old Man: [stops singing] Oops, can’t sing, it’s a library. [Sings a little more] I bet you think I’m singin’ `cause I’m happy, but I’m not. I’m singin’ `cause I’m half-broke and crazy.

— Overheard by coreyw

Urban Outfitters, Southside Works. Friday Night.Short Girl: Oh my god, does heartburn hurt here? [touches her chest]
Giant Dude: Um, yeah.
Short Girl: I think I have heartburn!  I had it once in 2001.  I think it comes from my mom’s side of the family.

Oh my god, does heartburn hurt here? [touches her chest] Um, yeah. I think I have heartburn!  I had it once in 2001.  I think it comes from my mom’s side of the family.— Overheard by coreyw

Eat ‘N’ Park, Squirrel Hill:

Middle-Aged Woman #1: I spent the weekend moving my grandfather into assisted living.
Middle-Aged Woman #2: How old is he?
Middle-Aged Woman #1: He’s a hundred and one. He quit smoking two years ago for health reasons.

Men’s Locker Room, YMCA, Downtown:

Businessman: Have a good workout.
Elderly Man: Yeah, I’ll go flap my arms like a chicken.
— Overheard by AlwaysReporting

Intro to Psychology Class, David Lawrence Hall, Pitt.
The professor asks for a volunteer to see if strangers can estimate someone’s personality based on their appearance. A 6′5″, 270-pound football player steps to the front:

Professor: So, what do you think this guy is like?
Student: He’s outgoing?
Professor: Are you outgoing?
Football Player: [unenthusiastically] Yeh.
[Discussion continues…]
Voice from the Back: He likes cake?
Professor: Um… do you like cake?
Football Player: Yeh.