Overheard in Pittsburgh

Patio, 61C Cafe, Squirrel Hill.
Two hipsters and a stoner are having their morning coffee:

Stoner: Dudes, I bone up every morning — have been for 10 years — and it doesn’t affect me. [looks around and under the table] FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!
Hipster: Dude, what are you looking for?
Stoner: Shit! I left my fuckin’ laptop on the bus!… Or is it in my apartment?… I’ll call my roommate… Fuck, where’s my cell phone?… Shit… Man, I need a joint.

500 Inbound. Evening.
Two disheveled men are talking loudly about cocaine:

Disheveled Man #1: You know where it started don’t you? Cocaine? THE DOCTORS!
Disheveled Man #2: The doctors? You don’t say.
Disheveled Man #1: Yeah, I seen it on the Discovery Channel or the History Channel or some shit. But yeah, man, it was the doctors. All those rich people went to the doctors for the good stuff, and they gave it to them. The doctors.

Apartment, Friendship.
A commercial for First-On™, from the makers of Head-On™ comes on TV:

College Girl: STOP MAKING ONS!

— Overheard by Lady Jane

Carnegie Mellon Bookstore, CMU Campus. Afternoon.
A stoner walks up to the counter to make his purchase. The salesperson is wearing a button that says “TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!”:

Stoner: Hey, is today really your birthday?
Salesperson: No, I just found this button on the counter.
Stoner: Well then, FUCK YOU! You dirty liar!
Salesperson: Um, OK. Thanks.

Wendy’s, Bloomfield:

Manager: Hey, I need that double cheese now.
Employee: I… this one?
Manager: No, this is the bacon… did you make this twice?
Employee: I guess….
Manager: Alright, just make that other one now.
[Manager goes back to customer]
Manager: [looking back] Oh, and, do me a favor: next time someone passes you that blunt… put it back, a’ight?

— Overheard by Kevin

Cinema, AMC/Loews Waterfront.
The ads are running before a movie:

Nerdy Girl: I had a friend who mixed LSD and heroin. She lived, though.
Guy Friend: All I can say to her is, “Congratulations.”
Nerdy Girl: Yeah, she didn’t remember much of her freshman year of high school.

South 14th / Carson, South Side. Saturday night.

Young Woman: [to Young Man] Oh… you want food! I thought you wanted someone to sleep with!
— Overheard by Wendy D.

Einstein Bros. Bagels, Posvar Hall, Pitt Campus.

Hipster Girl #1: He’s so attractive; what’s his major?
Hipster Girl #2: Urban Studies or something.
Hipster Girl #1: What does he want to do with his life, you know, besides biking?
Hipster Girl #2: Oh, you know, be a man…a big, virile man…with chest hair.
[...]
Hipster Girl #2: God, I need to go back on birth control.

— Overheard by voltron

Highmark Building, Downtown.

Junkie Girl on Cell Phone:I don’t care!
—Fuck that!
—Fuck CVS!
—Fuck the drug dealer!
—No! I’m coming upstairs!

Outside Retro Burger King, Southside:

Cool Dude: He’s everything you could ever want in a bass player, except his bass playing skills.
— Overheard by shadow