Overheard in Pittsburgh

Eighth Ave, Homestead.
A man is walking with four children. The youngest is dragging a stick, absent-mindedly hitting everything with which it comes in contact:

Man: [to youngest child] You better not start crying. If you start crying, I’ll kick you in the face.

— Student Extraordinare

JFK Airport, New York City.
Airplane passengers are waiting for their flight to Pittsburgh. A 20-something girl walks up to gate, sits on the floor with her bags and eats pizza:

Yinzer Man: [gesturing to an empty seat next to him] You can sit right here, if you want.
Girl: [shakes head] That’s okay, I’m fine.
Yinzer Wife: It’s OK; we don’t bite!
Girl: [shakes head again and keeps eating]
Man: [to Yinzer Man] Hey, can I sit here?
Yinzer Man: [glaring at Girl] Sure you can: SHE doesn’t want it!

Wendy’s, Waterworks Mall. Sunday Afternoon.
A loud woman approaches the counter with her grandson and sets down an empty cup:

Loud Woman: This spilled.
[Employee takes the cup to refill it]
Loud Woman: And what is up with these hamburgers? It’s about as thick as a slice of ham. It’s supposed to be a deluxe.
Employee: It’s a junior.
Loud Woman: Two ounces of beef. Two ounces. What’s it come to? An eighth of an ounce. [Employee ignores her and her grandson wanders away] We’d have been better off going to McDonalds and getting a double cheeseburger for 99 cents.
— Overheard by M.B.

The Fast Food Connoisseur

College of Fine Arts, CMU.
An art class has gathered in the middle of the Great Hall, spread in a circle that blocks passage. A music teacher with a Tuba noisily walks through the circle:

Art Teacher: Hey! You! Your tuba’s fucking up my circle!
Music Teacher: Yeah? Well, your circle’s fucking up my tuba.
Art Teacher: Touché.
— Overheard by Connor 

Near Hemingway’s, Forbes Avenue, Oakland. 5 p.m.
Three Ghetto Fab Black Girls talk loudly as they walk:

Ghetto Fab Black Girl: We don’ even talk no more; we just fight over Facebook.

Near the Elevators, Ground Floor, Hillman Library.
A Cool Guy walks around the hallway talking on his cell phone:

Cool Guy: [calmly] Are we okay, or do we need to break up?  Because if you want to break up then I am fine with that.

61B Inbound, Oakland:

African American Woman: [Addressing Bus Driver] That’s what I tol’ my son: I put you on this earth, I can take you out. I’ll get my Louisville Slugger. Uncle Sam’s got him over in Iraq now, though.
Bus Driver: So he’s getting whupped for a paycheck instead of for free?!
African American Woman: Exactly. I tol’ all my kids, I brought you in, I’ll take you out. Even my granddaughter, I didn’t bring her in, but I’ll take her out too. I tol’ her that and she went crying to Sharise — her mama — but Sharise just tol’ her “Baby girl, your grammy tol’ me that when I was a little girl too, and I’m sticking to it.” She went
crying to her other grammy, and she tol’ her the same thing I did.
Bus Driver: Amen!

[The bus pulls up to the Pittsburgh Children's Hospital. The African American woman gets up to start getting off the bus.]

African American Woman: Time to get my nurse on!

—  Overheard by Connor

Target, West Mifflin.
A mother in acid-washed jeans shops in the girls’ section with her two strikingly similar-looking daughters several years apart in age:

Mom: We’re going to get these two outfits.
Younger Daughter: [whining] But I hate wearing the same outfit as her!
Mom: Well then go and find another one, but I ain’t buying it if it ain’t the same price as hers.

Wal-Mart, North Fayette. 8:30 p.m.
A married couple in their late 20s contemplate a purchase:

Wife: Do you want to buy Snakes on a Plane?
Husband: I don’t know. Do you want to buy it?
Wife: Does it even matter?

— Overheard by Joe

Point State Park:

Panhandler: Can you spare some change?
Woman: Get a job.
Panhandler: Bitch!
Woman: Bitch with a job!