“But if she doesn’t come back, it was never meant to be.”
16th Street, South Side. 1 a.m.:
Drunk Guy: [to Drunk Friend] My motto is “If you can make her scream like every animal in the zoo, she’s yours.”
{ Category Archives }
Animals
Teasing cowards builds upper body strength.
Men’s Locker Room, YMCA, Downtown:
Businessman: Have a good workout.
Elderly Man: Yeah, I’ll go flap my arms like a chicken.
— Overheard by AlwaysReporting
Doug thumbed his Gilmore Girls dog tag nervously.
Petco, Waterworks.
A man is retrieving his newly engraved pet ID tag from the machine:
Seven-Year-Old Boy: Ooh, look, they have a Spongebob tag!
Mother: Oh, you didn’t get Spongebob! You should have gotten Spongebob!
Man: No, my dogs like the other shows.
The Fall of the House of Usher is better because of the dance moves.
Eddie’s Cafe, Litchfield Towers, Pitt Campus.
Two College Guys are waiting in the check-out line:
Guy #1: What are those birds that fucking talk?
Guy #2: Parrots?
Guy #1: No, that’s what my teacher said. [thinks] Ravens! That’s right.
Guy #2: Ravens talk? That’s like Edgar Allen Poe shit or something.
Guy #1: No, dude, they for real only say, like, one word ,though.
[...]
Guy #2: [imitating a raven] “Aquafina!?”
Guy #1: Yeah, dude! “Aquafina!” Only I’d make mine say, “Radiator.”
— Overheard by Joshua
Maybe she bought it at Burlington Coat Factory*
House Party Full of 25-30-Year-Olds, Shadyside.
A blonde girl pulls her black winter coat with fake fur trim around the
hood from the coat pile:
Blonde Girl: [after considering her coat, turns to two random girls] I think my coat is made of dogs; no animal looks like this.
[The girls stare blankly as the blonde girl walks away.]
— Overheard by teri
* Not kidding.
The animals shifted noticably, like a storm was coming.
Pet Department, Wal-Mart, North Versailles:
Guy: [to his buddy] A blowjob is not sex. Sex is sticking your dick in something tight and moving it around.
— Overheard by Eavesdropper
“Squirrel Hill” by Norman Rockwell
In front of Mineos, Squirrel Hill
A crowd of people, mostly children, check out a guy’s awesome Harley. His dog sits in the matching sidecar:
Older Woman: Does your dog like riding in the sidecar?
Biker: Yeah….he loves it…it’s his favorite activity [nods toward the dog, who is licking pizza sauce off of a child's face] besides eating, of course.
— Overheard by L.P.
Absolut Sociopath
Pharmacy Counter, Rite-Aid, Forbes/Murray, Squirrel Hill. 11 p.m.
A man is purchasing Claritin-D, which requires him to scan his license to make sure he’s not making methamphetamine:
40-Something Man: [Scans license] Now you know who I am.
Pharmacist: Well, you know the rules: Just need to make sure you’re just taking this for allergies and are not making bad stuff with it.
40-Something Man: Actually, I’m making enemas with it. For my CATS.
Pharmacist: Well… that’s interesting. What do you cut that with?
40-Something Man: Straight VODKA.
Pharmacist: Suit yourself. Here’s your receipt.
— Overheard by Christopher
“That, and ringworm.”
Tutoring Lab, Library, Art Institute.
A Female Art Student is petting a Male Student’s head:
Female Art Student: You’re just like my cat.
Male Art Student: I’m very animal-like. I think my cat got it from me.
— Overheard by Rotzi
Pay no attention to Luke Ravenstahl behind the curtain.
Outside St. Paul’s Cathedral, 5th Ave, Oakland:
Girl #1: Did you see the mayor’s funeral here a few days ago?
Girl #2: Yeah. They had horses.
Girl #1: I don’t get why they have funerals in churches. What if you got invited, but you were an atheist?
Girl #2: I don’t see the problem here.
Girl #1: Well, you know, it’d be all distracting when the atheist mourner walks in and starts melting and screaming ’cause he’s on holy ground and God doesn’t like him.
Girl #2: Like at the end of Wizard of Oz? I don’t think it works that way.
— Overheard by TheConnor