“But if she doesn’t come back, it was never meant to be.”
16th Street, South Side. 1 a.m.:
Drunk Guy: [to Drunk Friend] My motto is “If you can make her scream like every animal in the zoo, she’s yours.”
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Learning Already
The Underground, Carnegie Mellon University.
Three pre-college students, two boys and one girl, are playing pool:
Boy #1: And if your ball is close, you can blow it in.
Boy #2: Yeah, but you can only blow it once.
Boy #1: No, she can blow her ball as many times as she wants.
— Overheard by I’m just trying to write a research paper
It reminded him too much of Princess Diana.
61A Outbound. 5 p.m.:
Hairy, Bearded Man: Yeah, I started growing it early, at 15 or something.
Bald Man: Looks like you got a lot. [Uncomfortably rubs his head].
Hairy, Bearded Man: Yeah, I haven’t seen my chin since 1997.
— Overheard by ryan
Or when he actually gets a job.
Bar, Hemingway’s, Oakland.
College Guy: [between sips of beer, to College Girl] When I get really old, I know I’ll be wearing pants up to, like, my waist.
Just What Wendy Was Hoping to Hear
Brillobox, Bloomfield:
Drunk Man: McKees Rocks… It’s economically depressed.
Girl: Yeah, and emotionally depressed too.
Drunk Man: [excitedly: Yeah! You know it! [less excitedly] You’re Jewish, aren’t you?
Girl: How can you tell?
Drunk Man: Your demeanor. My ex-girlfriend was Jewish. Sometimes I miss her.
I bet this guy’s dog is really disappointed in him.
Patio, 61C Cafe, Squirrel Hill.
Two hipsters and a stoner are having their morning coffee:
Stoner: Dudes, I bone up every morning — have been for 10 years — and it doesn’t affect me. [looks around and under the table] FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!
Hipster: Dude, what are you looking for?
Stoner: Shit! I left my fuckin’ laptop on the bus!… Or is it in my apartment?… I’ll call my roommate… Fuck, where’s my cell phone?… Shit… Man, I need a joint.
Rock Out With Your Wand Out
Southside Works, South Side. Thursday night.
Five teenagers in costumes stand together, following the sneak preview of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:
Boy in Cape: Dumbledore is so punk rock.
[Everyone nods in agreement.]
It was Discovery Kids.
500 Inbound. Evening.
Two disheveled men are talking loudly about cocaine:
Disheveled Man #1: You know where it started don’t you? Cocaine? THE DOCTORS!
Disheveled Man #2: The doctors? You don’t say.
Disheveled Man #1: Yeah, I seen it on the Discovery Channel or the History Channel or some shit. But yeah, man, it was the doctors. All those rich people went to the doctors for the good stuff, and they gave it to them. The doctors.
North Side Tour Guide: Toughest Job in Pittsburgh
Under the Bridges near 279 North, North Side.
A Just Ducky tour drives past the Warhol Museum:
Tour Guide: Alright, everybody! Get your cameras ready! This is the most exciting and amazing thing you’ll see in all of Pittsburgh: the underside of 279! Amazing!
Kid in Back: You suck!
Have you seen the bridges near 279 North?
In front of Mercy Health Center, Soho:
Homeless Guy: Oh, honey, thank you, thank you! You’re the first beautiful thing I’ve seen in this damn city! Everything else is shit!