Overheard in Pittsburgh

500 Inbound. Evening.
Two disheveled men are talking loudly about cocaine:

Disheveled Man #1: You know where it started don’t you? Cocaine? THE DOCTORS!
Disheveled Man #2: The doctors? You don’t say.
Disheveled Man #1: Yeah, I seen it on the Discovery Channel or the History Channel or some shit. But yeah, man, it was the doctors. All those rich people went to the doctors for the good stuff, and they gave it to them. The doctors.

In front of Mercy Health Center, Soho:

Homeless Guy: Oh, honey, thank you, thank you! You’re the first beautiful thing I’ve seen in this damn city! Everything else is shit!

Inbound Bus Stop, Fifth/Bigelow, Oakland.
A grizzled middle-aged man with a PING golf hat and a book of Boolean algebra rants to no one in particular:

Crazy Man: Gooood RIDDANCE! to another ineffective person…I’ll bet you think the world is FLAT!…Standing on a point in four directions…Now, even mariners can judge…

— Overheard by Zyzzy

Carnegie Library, East Liberty.

An old man with shoe-polish-black hair is standing at a copier and crooning.

Old Man: [stops singing] Oops, can’t sing, it’s a library. [Sings a little more] I bet you think I’m singin’ `cause I’m happy, but I’m not. I’m singin’ `cause I’m half-broke and crazy.

— Overheard by coreyw

Bus Stop, Murray / Forward, Squirrel Hill. Five minutes until the 61C arrives.
The weather is sunny, and the temperature is in the mid-30s:

Old Man: That bus won’t come!
—Makes me mad…
—That dumb blazin’ bus won’t show up! We’re gonna get frostbite waitin’ out here!
—Maybe they’re not runnin’…
—Maybe they’ll send another one?
—That dadgum bus!
—Makes me mad…
[The bus appears at the crest of the hill. A line of cars at the light holds it back.]
Old Man: Why won’t those cars move? [waves arm] Move, cars!
[A group of even older old people turn and look at him incredulously. The intersection finally clears, and the bus pulls up.]
Senile Old Man: [to the driver] Is this bus overcrowded? Are there seats?
Driver of Nearly Empty Bus: [answering first question] No.
Old Man: Aw, never mind, then.
[Senile Old Man shuffles away]

— Overheard by Zyzzy

Carnegie Mellon Bookstore, CMU Campus. Afternoon.
A stoner walks up to the counter to make his purchase. The salesperson is wearing a button that says “TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!”:

Stoner: Hey, is today really your birthday?
Salesperson: No, I just found this button on the counter.
Stoner: Well then, FUCK YOU! You dirty liar!
Salesperson: Um, OK. Thanks.

Bus Stop, 5th / Market, Downtown. Evening.
An old, crazy homeless man wanders down the street, mumbling to himself, until he grabs a guy by the arm and speaks louder:

Crazy Homeless Man: Pittsburgh’s lost it, man, it’s lost it’s CLASS. Steelers ain’t got no cheerleaders, ain’t got no class. Pittsburgh’s an asshole. A fucked asshole. No cheerleaders. No class.

[Crazy Homeless Man resumes walking and mumbling.]

— Overheard by Megan

Fifth Ave Near Tower C, Oakland:
College Guy and College Girl are walking, his arm around her. A Drunk Black Man walks up to them:

Drunk Man: You better hold onto her.
College Guy: I will.
Drunk Man: I ain’t never had a white woman. I’ve had my kind, but no Chinese, neither. You better hang onto her.
College Guy: Yessir.

Women’s Restroom, near the Lobby, Marriott, Downtown.
A heavy-set, frizzy-haired woman in a flannel shirt, hiking boots and no pants stands at the air hand-drier:

Woman: [announcing to no one in particular] I’m trying to get the blood stains out of my pants!

— Overheard by Lynne

Elevator, Litchfield Tower C, Pitt Campus. After Midnight.
A forlorn, disheveled Student talks to his less-disheveled friend:

Student #1: Ugh.
Student #2: What?
Student #1: Stephen Colbert just directed his Nerd Army to attack Wikipedia again.
Student #2: What, really? He’s still doing stuff like that?
Student #1: Yeah, I don’t know; I guess telling his mindless drones to fuck up their school’s dictionaries wasn’t hilarious enough.
Student #2: Didn’t he used to make fun of guys like that? Is he making fun of his fans, or what? I mean, what’s his point?
Student #1: Yeah; I used to think that stuff was funny, but now it’s just kind of weird and sad. I’m kind of ready for him to be over now.
Student #2: Yeah.

— Overheard by I used to think he was funny too

Editor’s Note: I have loved Stephen Colbert’s work for a long time — Exit 57, Strangers with Candy, the Daily Show, and his current series — but I think this stuff’s a little done, too. At what point did Colbert stop merely mimicking the charismatic leaders of cult-like movements and actually become one? When does the cost of the joke exceed the payoff? I really wish Colbert would stop with the Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show-audience-participation biz would stop so I can feel OK about liking his series again. — Chris