Overheard in Pittsburgh

Petco, Waterworks.
A man is retrieving his newly engraved pet ID tag from the machine:

Seven-Year-Old Boy: Ooh, look, they have a Spongebob tag!
Mother: Oh, you didn’t get Spongebob! You should have gotten Spongebob!
Man: No, my dogs like the other shows.

Wendy’s, Waterworks Mall. Sunday Afternoon.
A loud woman approaches the counter with her grandson and sets down an empty cup:

Loud Woman: This spilled.
[Employee takes the cup to refill it]
Loud Woman: And what is up with these hamburgers? It’s about as thick as a slice of ham. It’s supposed to be a deluxe.
Employee: It’s a junior.
Loud Woman: Two ounces of beef. Two ounces. What’s it come to? An eighth of an ounce. [Employee ignores her and her grandson wanders away] We’d have been better off going to McDonalds and getting a double cheeseburger for 99 cents.
— Overheard by M.B.

The Fast Food Connoisseur

Kings Family Restaurant, Waterworks. 2 a.m. Friday Night.
A large group of college-aged kids are sitting together in the worst Kings restaurant ever*:

Supercool: We were like, “Andy, you didn’t snort the whole line.” So he’s like, *unh* [shrugs and mimes snorting a line]. And he snorts the rest of the line.
[The table erupts with laughter.]
Supercool: Then he runs to the bathroom, and when he comes out, he has a Kleenex™, and there’s little bits of cinnamon in it.
And he says, “I can’t believe I just snorted all the cinnamon!”

* Overheard in Pittsburgh Rant: Seriously, though, I have eaten there several times late at night, and I usually split the hour it takes for my food to arrive between doing the waitress’ job for her and wondering how soon it will be until I get to be assaulted by the physically and verbally aggressive Cro-Mag yinzers in the smoking section. I implore you: Avoid this place after dark; it’s scarier than the Original Hot Dog Shoppe. You might get shot at the O, but at least your food’s hot. Thank you for your time.

Cold Stone Creamery, Waterworks Mall:

Cheerleader #1: What did you get?
Cheerleader #2: A “Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some™”
Cheerleader #1: No, but what did you get?
Cheerleader #2: A “Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some™”
Cheerleader #1: No, I asked what you got!

And on, and on, until she finally realized her tragic mistake.

— Overheard by Rachel