Overheard in Pittsburgh

Craig St., Oakland.
Two Store owners are shoveling snow off of their respective sidewalks:

Store Owner #1: Where’s the city with the salt for the roads and sidewalks?
Store Owner #2: Mmmhmmm.
Store Owner #1: We’d have been better off paying our taxes to Columbus and asking them to mail us some.

— Overheard by Connor

54C Outbound, Oakland.
Two old women get on the bus; one is markedly older than the other:

Old Woman: [shouting at Older Woman] Where’s your pass? WHERE’S YOUR PASS?!

[Older Woman doesn’t respond.]

Old Woman: WHERE’S YOUR BUS PASS?!!!

[Older Woman doesn’t respond; Old Woman goes through Older Woman's purse in search of a bus pass.]

Older Woman: Just what the hell do you think you’re doing in my purse?
Old Woman: Looking for your pass.
Older woman: I don’t have a stinking pass! I’m too goddamned old for a damned pass!

— Overheard by Smokey.

Atwood / Forbes, Oakland
A driver stops and asks a pedestrian for directions:

Driver: Excuse me…Atwood Street?
Pedestrian: You’re on it.
Driver on Atwood: Shit.

— Overheard by Steve

Fifth Ave Near Tower C, Oakland:
College Guy and College Girl are walking, his arm around her. A Drunk Black Man walks up to them:

Drunk Man: You better hold onto her.
College Guy: I will.
Drunk Man: I ain’t never had a white woman. I’ve had my kind, but no Chinese, neither. You better hang onto her.
College Guy: Yessir.

Frazier Street, South Oakland. Friday Evening.
A bunch on would-be gangstas are gathered on a porch:

Thug #1: Shit, I cracked that bitch like a goddamn safe!

Near Hemingway’s, Forbes Avenue, Oakland. 5 p.m.
Three Ghetto Fab Black Girls talk loudly as they walk:

Ghetto Fab Black Girl: We don’ even talk no more; we just fight over Facebook.

61B Inbound, Oakland:

African American Woman: [Addressing Bus Driver] That’s what I tol’ my son: I put you on this earth, I can take you out. I’ll get my Louisville Slugger. Uncle Sam’s got him over in Iraq now, though.
Bus Driver: So he’s getting whupped for a paycheck instead of for free?!
African American Woman: Exactly. I tol’ all my kids, I brought you in, I’ll take you out. Even my granddaughter, I didn’t bring her in, but I’ll take her out too. I tol’ her that and she went crying to Sharise — her mama — but Sharise just tol’ her “Baby girl, your grammy tol’ me that when I was a little girl too, and I’m sticking to it.” She went
crying to her other grammy, and she tol’ her the same thing I did.
Bus Driver: Amen!

[The bus pulls up to the Pittsburgh Children's Hospital. The African American woman gets up to start getting off the bus.]

African American Woman: Time to get my nurse on!

—  Overheard by Connor

Between McDonald’s and Joe Mama’s, Forbes Ave, Oakland. Dusk.
Bill Dorsey, the blind gospel man with the vocal power of the Voice of God, is on the move, and as people awkwardly try to get out of his way, they bump into one another:

Dorsey: Watch out, folks! Got a blind man walking! ‘Scuse me, please, need you to move for me if you would!
[A skinny, geeky couple walks toward him and veers dangerously close to oncoming traffic to get out of his path,]
Geeky Girl: [mumbling] Geez, dude, watch where you’re going.
Dorsey: WELL, GIMME YO’ EYES AND I WILL!
[Geeky Girl's jaw drops as she turns around.]

— Overheard by NoseyRosey

Bus Stop outside Magee Women’s Hospital:

Pregnant Girl on Cell Phone: Ma? Yeah, guess what it is.
—Yeah. Now guess what the other one is.
—Yeah; it’s twins.
—Oh, I just turned around and started beating the crap out of him.
—He was all like, to the nurse, “Make her stop!” and she’s like, “Why? It’s your fault.”

Confidential to Maimed in Magee: Only the mother has any influence on the likelihood of fraternal twins, and the occurrence of identical twins is random. Tell your lady this next time she tries to guilt you into going out for groceries at 3 a.m.

61C Outbound, Oakland:
Pitt Student #1: I have this project where I want to get a portrait of Darwin and put it in my house — like, over the fireplace with a nice frame.
Pitt Student #2: Or a bust!
Pitt Student #1: Yeah, a bust of Darwin! And then I’ll get one of Mr. T and put it right next to him!

— Overheard by Zyzzy