Overheard in Pittsburgh

16th Street, South Side. 1 a.m.:

Drunk Guy: [to Drunk Friend] My motto is “If you can make her scream like every animal in the zoo, she’s yours.”

The Underground, Carnegie Mellon University.
Three pre-college students, two boys and one girl, are playing pool:

Boy #1: And if your ball is close, you can blow it in.
Boy #2: Yeah, but you can only blow it once.
Boy #1: No, she can blow her ball as many times as she wants.

— Overheard by I’m just trying to write a research paper

61A Outbound. 5 p.m.:

Hairy, Bearded Man: Yeah, I started growing it early, at 15 or something.
Bald Man: Looks like you got a lot. [Uncomfortably rubs his head].
Hairy, Bearded Man: Yeah, I haven’t seen my chin since 1997.

— Overheard by ryan

Bar, Hemingway’s, Oakland.

College Guy: [between sips of beer, to College Girl] When I get really old, I know I’ll be wearing pants up to, like, my waist.

Brillobox, Bloomfield:

Drunk Man: McKees Rocks… It’s economically depressed.
Girl: Yeah, and emotionally depressed too.
Drunk Man: [excitedly: Yeah! You know it! [less excitedly] You’re Jewish, aren’t you?
Girl: How can you tell?
Drunk Man: Your demeanor. My ex-girlfriend was Jewish. Sometimes I miss her.

Patio, 61C Cafe, Squirrel Hill.
Two hipsters and a stoner are having their morning coffee:

Stoner: Dudes, I bone up every morning — have been for 10 years — and it doesn’t affect me. [looks around and under the table] FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!
Hipster: Dude, what are you looking for?
Stoner: Shit! I left my fuckin’ laptop on the bus!… Or is it in my apartment?… I’ll call my roommate… Fuck, where’s my cell phone?… Shit… Man, I need a joint.

Southside Works, South Side. Thursday night.
Five teenagers in costumes stand together, following the sneak preview of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:

Boy in Cape: Dumbledore is so punk rock.
[Everyone nods in agreement.]

500 Inbound. Evening.
Two disheveled men are talking loudly about cocaine:

Disheveled Man #1: You know where it started don’t you? Cocaine? THE DOCTORS!
Disheveled Man #2: The doctors? You don’t say.
Disheveled Man #1: Yeah, I seen it on the Discovery Channel or the History Channel or some shit. But yeah, man, it was the doctors. All those rich people went to the doctors for the good stuff, and they gave it to them. The doctors.

Under the Bridges near 279 North, North Side.
A Just Ducky tour drives past the Warhol Museum:

Tour Guide: Alright, everybody! Get your cameras ready! This is the most exciting and amazing thing you’ll see in all of Pittsburgh: the underside of 279! Amazing!
Kid in Back: You suck!

Aldi, Etna.
Two elderly women are shopping, and one is trying to reach a bag of Werther’s Original candies from a high shelf.  A younger woman walks over to help her get the bags:

Elderly Woman: Can you get me one of the bags with the red label?  Actually, make it two, no, wait, three.  My husband eats these like candy.

— Overheard by Megan