Overheard in Pittsburgh

54C Outbound:

Woman on Cell Phone: I said to him, “Does that LOOK like fucking Special K? Is that Special K?” He said, “Naw, it’s corn flakes.” I said, “YEAH: corn flakes. Now go get my fucking Special K.”

— Overheard by Tiffany Merriman-Preston

Office Building, University of Pittsburgh.
A pretty, young, and thin research assistant is talking with her 70-something award-winning professor emeritus female boss:

Professor: [concerned] You’re not allowed to get fat.
Assistant: Don’t worry: I’m very healthy.
Professor: I don’t care about your health; I care about your looks.

Commonwealth Pl/Boulevard of the Allies, Downtown:

Girl #1: Every time I watch Rudolph, it gives me stress
Girl #2: That show is horrible!
Girl #1: See, those little reindeer, they didn’t know any better, but Dancer was a grown-ass reindeer! He knew better than to treat Rudolph like that, tellin’ his own kid not to play with Rudolph — that’s some straight-up BULLSHIT.
Guy: And why was Rudolph’s nose red if both of his parent’s noses were black?
Girl #2: `Cause his mom was a ho.
Girl #1: You know, Dancer was probably his mom’s punk-ass babydaddy.
[Guy and Girl #2 start laughing hysterically.]
Girl #1: And you know what? Even Santa didn’t know how to act. If I was Rudolph, I would tell Santa, “OH HELL NO!”
Girl #2: OH HELL NO!
Girl #1: Santa better get his FAT ASS up there and guide his OWN SHIT, after he be treatin’ me like that… Oh HELL NO!

Outside AAA, East Liberty.
A woman is on the ground, clutching her sobbing young daughter after both have just been hit by a car that has driven off. A man approaches to with the car’s license plate number:

Man: Here’s the number: GKK-5235.
Mother: Thank you.
Man: Are you sure you’re OK?
Mother: Yes, she’s just shaken up; we’ll be fine. I thought the driver was going to come back.
Man: No, it looks like she’s gone. I don’t think she is coming back. [to sobbing girl] Hey, at least now you have a good story, right? When anyone asks what you did over the summer, you’ll flip their lid.

Bus Stop, Market/Fifth, Downtown. Rush Hour.
A public works man walks by a crowd pushing a large garbage cart:

Public Works Man: 61A! Anyone? Anyone? No one?

Office Building, Downtown.
Co-workers are teasing each other about no longer “loving” each other:

Man: I’m kicking you out of the tree!
Woman: Is that how you feel about me?
Man: That’s what I said, and I-I-I-I didn’t stutter!

Office Building, Downtown.

Man: [answering phone] Hi, Honey.
— [defensive and apologetic] I know! I know! I know! I’m sorry.
— I know. I know. I should have buried it last night! I’m sorry!
— I know. I was tired and I forgot. Just put it behind the shed and I’ll bury it when I get home.
— I know. I know. I’m sorry! I should have buried it last night. I’ll do it first thing when I get home.
— I’m sorry. I have to go. Bye-bye. I love you!

Walnut Street, Shadyside. 9:30 a.m.
A wealthy woman in a visor and sunglasses leans out of her white convertible Mercedes to yell across the street to someone:

Mercedes Woman: Did the e-mail go through?

Wal-Mart, North Versailles:

Mother: [to young crying daughter] Don’t think I won’t beat you just `cause it’s your birthday!

Electronics Department, Wal-Mart, North Fayette:

Middle-Aged Black Woman: [screaming] OVER HERE! OVER HERE! I SAID OVER HERE! I NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!
[A young white woman is staring.]
Middle-Aged Black Woman: [to white woman, laughing] That’s how you have to talk to them if you expect to get anybody who works here to help you.

Overheard in Pittsburgh FunFact™: Wal-Mart does not prosecute those who shoplift under $25. It’s true! Look it up!