Overheard in Pittsburgh

Butler County Fair. After the Ultra-Slow School Bus Demolition Derby.
Dust and smoke mix on the fairgrounds as the spectators leave:

Redneck Dad: [coughing] Damn, it’s smoky out here.
Redneck Teen: Don’t you smoke cigarettes?
Redneck Dad: Shut up.

Office, Craig Hall, Oakland.
A female custodian enters to empty a trash can:

Custodian: Your garbage is fine. You ain’t got nothing but snot rags in there.
— Overheard by Pitt staffer with allergies

Starbucks, Shadyside:

Barista: I’m so sick of being the man in the relationship. He wants to take me to see Hairspray this weekend, so I told him to call me back after he adjusts his bra and thinks of a REAL movie.

— Overheard by Kate

91A Outbound:

Woman: Baby Daddy, you gonna fuck up that midget?
Man: Girl, I told you, I’m gonna fuck up that midget!
Woman: You better fuck up that midget!
Man: I said I would, now get off my back, woman!
[Man and woman banter on for a few minutes.]
Woman: I can’t believe you gonna fuck up that midget. That’s a child. That just a wee lil bit ol’ child.
Man: I don’t care! I’m gonna fuck up that midget.
Bus Driver: To the couple in the back of the bus: Can you please stop cursing? There’s no swearing on the bus.
Woman: Oh, I’m sorry. We were just talking.

Elevators, Art Institute.
One student is pressing the floor buttons for everyone. The elevator stops on the second floor, and a guy bedecked in anime paraphernalia gets on to the already crowded elevator:

Anime Guy: Can you hit three please?
Volunteer Bellhop: No.
[The door closes and the elevator makes it[s next stop on the 5th floor.]

— Overheard by just trying to get to class

Primati Bros, in Oakland.
A cute waitress teaches Pittsburghese to a table of out-of-towners:

Cute Waitress: In Pittsburgh, we don’t say “Iron City.” It’s “Arn City.” So if yinz want more, just yell out “Arns over here!”

— Overheard by Darwin Police

Harry Potter Release Party, EastSide Borders. 11 p.m.
A Large, oily, twenty-something male nerd talks to a scrawny, greasy female nerd.:

Oily Male Nerd: She says this is the last book, right?
Greasy Female Nerd: Right.
Oily Male Nerd: Well, she has to kill him off so that no one else can write another book about him.

Barnes and Noble, Squirrel Hill. 10 a.m.
Two college guys and a college girl are browsing the fiction section. A little girl runs up to them:

Little Girl: AMANAMO NAMAGOBA YEMBA Hawwy Potter GABAGAGA!
College Guy: You’re DRUNK.
[The little girl looks at him.]
College Guy: Oh my god: I’M DRUNK.

— Overheard by Connor

86B Outbound:

Woman #1: [stage-whispering to a woman in a handicapped seat] You might want to move; there’s a woman with a walker getting on the bus.
Woman #2: Um, I can see her.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you were blind because of your stick.
Woman #2: My stick? [shows Woman #1 her stick: a black curtain rod.] Um, I have glasses on, and I can see.
[Woman with walker shuffles past, sits in seat in the back. Woman #1 abruptly stands and exits the bus.]

— submitted by JulieisnotLost

Panther Hollow Inn, 7 p.m.
A group of college students sits at a table in the back near the TV. A drunk guy in his 50s changes the TV channel to wrestling.

Guy from Kitchen: Hey, you know that stuff isn’t real! Just like Santa Claus!
Drunk Guy: Wait, Santa isn’t real?
College Student 1: Santa is DEAD!
[College students crack up. Drunk older guy shuffles away to watch the wrestling from his own table. Twenty 20 later, the drunk guy approaches the college students again.]
Drunk Guy: I just want you guys to know that I don’t really believe this wrestling stuff is real. I’m in my fifties; I finally outgrew that.