Archive for May 2007
Thursday, May 31st, 2007
OK, so what’s “agoraphobia”?
Bar, Clark’s Restaurant, Moon Township. Friday Happy Hour:
Guy: [to friend] You’ve never heard of being “metrosexual”? It’s when you’re a guy and you really like to look good: clothes, hair, the works.
Cute Female Bartender: It’s when your boyfriend takes longer to get ready to go out than you do.
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Thursday, May 31st, 2007
Were she to explain either philosophy, the listener would become less enlightened.
Spanish Class, University of Pittsburgh.
The professor is trying to explain the subjunctive tense to a student:
Professor: It’s used to express uncertainty.
Helpful Girl: Yeah, it’s like when things aren’t clear. Think of “Buddho”, or Tao or something.
— Overheard by Keystone
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Thursday, May 31st, 2007
Eats, Shoots, and Pesters
Carnegie Library, East Liberty.
A middle-aged patron approaches a reference librarian:
Patron: [enthusiastically] Is English Grammar grammar?
Librarian: Ummm… excuse me?
Patron: [still enthusiastic] Is English Grammar grammar?
Librarian: Well, yeah. Yes.
— Overheard by coreyw
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
Be cool; don’t look down. Be cool.
Outdoor patio, Remedy, Lawrenceville:
Hipster: [suddenly yelling] Hello, sir! Nice to meet you! I’m fucking naked!
— Overheard by Tim
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
Starving children don’t need as much PittFunds or PlaidCa$h as everyone thinks.
Giant Eagle, Squirrel Hill:
Food Drive Volunteer: If they look like they’re in college, I usually don’t bother to ask.
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
Potassium Overload
James Street Tavern, Monroeville:
Senior Citizen Man #1: You know, I’m about sick of the car I have. I think I’m going to buy a new car tomorrow.
Senior Citizen Man #2: At your age? You could go at any time! In fact, if I were you, I’d be nervous buying green bananas!
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Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
Drama in Real Life: I Was Sexually Harassed by Dolly from Family Circus!
Outbound 61A, Oakland.
A mom on a cell phone and her six-year-old daughter get on the bus. The girl sits next to a woman in her early 20s and proudly pulls a Barbie out of her backpack:
Girl: [to woman] Lookit my new Barbie!
Woman: Oh, that’s a nice doll.
Girl: Lookit her long pretty hair, and her pretty purple dress, and her glitter makeup. [Points to doll’s chest] Oh! And lookit her BOOBIES!
Woman: [uncomfortable] Wow, I really like her dress…
Girl: [points to woman’s chest] You have boobies too! Boobies boobies boobies!
[Woman looks very uncomfortable and abruptly exits at the next stop without another word.]
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Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
Don’t Tread on Me
Starbucks, Duquesne University:
Girl #1: I just hate going to campus that way because I feel really nervous walking past that homeless guy.
Girl #2: I don’t know what you’re so worried about. I’m sure he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.
Guy: He’s a homeless guy, not a fuckin’ snake.
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Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
“You ought to see the roll of communion wafers she keeps in her purse for them.”
Target, Waterfront:
Blonde Yinzer: [to friend] You think she’s strange because she had them baptized every five months.
— Feightner
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Friday, May 25th, 2007
First Time Driving Outside of an Arcade
Parking Garage near the Courthouse, Downtown:
Woman: [referring to automated parking lot machines] Do those give change?
Security Guard: Yeah, they do. You can put in a ten or a twenty.
Woman: No, I mean, do they give change?
Security Guard: [confused] Yeah, just put in whatever bills you have and it’ll make change.
Woman: No, I mean, like at the post office — you know the stamp machines?
Security Guard: Yeah.
Woman: Ok, so, I put money in to buy stamps and it gives me those gold quarters.
Security Guard: Oh, no, this machine gives you back bills.
Woman: Oh, good.