Overheard in Pittsburgh

Schenley Plaza
A Ghetto Girl addresses her group of friends, who are lying on a blanket on the grass.

Ghetto Girl: I’m going over to Dave and Jerry or whatever.

Crowded Wendy’s, North Side. Midnight:

Customer: Number five with a side salad.
Cashier: Dressing?
Customer: Thousand Island.
Cashier: This ain’t Red Lobster.
Customer: …Ranch…?

— Overheard by Katrina!

Outside Mellon Arena. After a Penguins Game.
A scruffy looking older guy is hawking the Post-Gazette and beads:

P-G Huckster: Come on! Why won’t anyone buy my beads? Sure, you all took a chance on a terrible towel.

CMU Carnival. Early Friday Evening.
A stressed-out frat guy stands by his booth, yelling into his cell phone:

Stressed-Out Frat Guy: Caulk! CAULK!!! I need caulk like there’s no tomorrow! Go to Home Depot! CAULK!!! GO!!!

Forbes / Murray, Squirrel Hill:

18-Year-Old Hipster #1: Hey, I just remembered: I have mouthwash at my house!
18-Year-Old Hipster #2: YES!!!

Beehive, South Side:

Male Barista: [to female barista] You have a patchouli problem, and you need help.

Elevator, Benedum Hall, Pitt:

Engineering Student: [to fellow student] It’s not like I want justice. Justice would be not having to take the fucking class.

[turns to other people in elevator]

Pardon my French. And by “French”, I mean “crude American English”.

18th / Sidney, South Side.
An SUV almost hits three guys who are walking and eating ice cream:

Guy #1: What an idiot! We were already in the middle of the road when they started to go.
Guy #2: Well, we were in the crosswalk, so we could have sued them. I’ve always wanted to nail somebody for that.
Guy #1: Well, I could have made a citizens arrest; that my goal in life.
Guy #3: And then if it was a large black women in a business suit driving, and she got out and did me… That would be my goal.

61C Inbound.
Two 20-something thugs are talking about movies:

Thug #1: Yeah, that Spider-Man 2 was pretty sweet. How ’bout that Harry Potter?
Thug #2: I fuckin’ love Harry Potter, man. That little white boy really knows how to fuck shit up.

—Overheard by Connor

Eckerd Drug, Monongahela. Sunday Morning.
Aman and his two young daughters (4 and 6), all dressed for church, are waiting in line at the checkout. The older girl is eating licorice:

Four-Year-Old Girl: Gimme some o’ that shit.
Six-Year-Old Girl: Fuck you! You already ate yours!
Father: [grabs older girl by the arm and yells] WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU TO TALK LIKE THAT IN FUCKING PUBLIC?

— overheard by chem nerd