Wouldn’t You Like to Get Away?
The Holiday, Forbes Ave., Oakland:
Bartender: Last call, motherfuckers! NOW DANCE!
[Madonna's "Ray of Light" starts to play.]
Chorus of Drunk LGBT People: FUCK YEAH!
[Warbling sing-a-long ensues.]
{ Monthly Archives }
April 2007
“Under that bloody tarp.”
March of Dimes Walk America, North Shore Riverfront Park:
Man: If you want to kill someone and throw the body in the river, that’s the spot to do it. Right there.
With Great Power Comes Cute Little Faces
Harris Grill, Shadyside.
A man is telling a story about falling from a great height and miraculously landing on his feet:
Man #2: Oh, you’re like Spider-Man! No, wait; what lands on its feet? YOU’RE LIKE KITTENS!!!
—Overheard by shan
Absolutly.
Wines and Spirits Class, Pennsylvania Culinary Institute, Downtown.
The class is discussing types of liquors and what gives them their flavors:
Class Dunce: I thought about buying this vodka made from potatoes once, but I wasn’t sure how that would taste. Do you think it would taste OK?
Grandpa… let’s not do anything rash. Please… just put it down. Easy.
Family Party, White Oak.
A man in his 90s and a middle-aged woman stand in line at a buffet-style dinner:
Old Man to Woman: What’s a nice Jewish boy like me doing with a pork chop like this?
— Overheard by corey w.
Some establishments prefer that their employees have a “certain look.”
Panera, Centre Ave, Friendship.
A group of four Asian female students, complete with electronic accessories occupying all available outlets, are discussing their mutual dislike of a local Asian restaurant:
Asian Girl #1: And I think if you order the take-out, you get more food.
Asian Girl #2: I know, and every time I go in he hassles me about asking my friends if they want jobs. I’m not going in there anymore.
— Overheard by another white girl
Craig always tried to explain away any likely prosecutable behavior beforehand.
Hunt Library, Carnegie Mellon. Monday Night:
Male Study Partner: This Gatorade™ is really giving me the much needed energy for this assignment.
Female Study Partner: Huh.
Male Study Partner: Ya know the last time I had Gatorade™, my roommates put vodka in it! Some idiots they are…
Say Hello to Piglet
Craig/Fifth, Oakland. 1:50 AM:
Female Student: Yeah, Tigger’s a big-time coke dealer. Thats why he’s bouncing off the walls all the time. He’s like an orange, striped Tony Montoya.
Male Student: You fuck with him, you fuck with the best?
Female Student: ‘Cause the wonderful thing about Tiggers is that he’s the only one, and he’s the king of the world.
Career Night at Taylor-Allderdice
Garage Door Saloon, Oakland. 5:30 PM:
Drunk Patron: [leaving] Well, time to go give my presentation!
— Overheard by Tia
It’s not too late to declare moral bankruptcy.
Elevator, Litchfield Tower B, Pitt Campus. Friday Night.
A small group of drunk business students enters the elevator. One of them spits on the wall:
Business Kid Spitter: [after a long pause] Ew, who spat on the wall?
— Overheard by I’m not surprised