Bus Stop outside Magee Women’s Hospital:

Pregnant Girl on Cell Phone: Ma? Yeah, guess what it is.
—Yeah. Now guess what the other one is.
—Yeah; it’s twins.
—Oh, I just turned around and started beating the crap out of him.
—He was all like, to the nurse, “Make her stop!” and she’s like, “Why? It’s your fault.”

Confidential to Maimed in Magee: Only the mother has any influence on the likelihood of fraternal twins, and the occurrence of identical twins is random. Tell your lady this next time she tries to guilt you into going out for groceries at 3 a.m.