Overheard in Pittsburgh

Outside Liquor Store, Atwood St in South Oakland. Evening.

Girl #1:Well I do have brown hair.
Girl #2: I don’t know; do you really think you could be the next Virgin Mary?

— Overheard by Come Again?

Philosophy Class, Cathedral of Learning, Pitt Campus.
Two Students discuss a female student in a different class:

Student #1: She’s old — like, old old.
Student #2: Old old?
Student #1: Like, older than our parents old.
Student #2: Ah, grandma old.
Student #1: Like, in between— like, in-between parents old and grandma old.

— Overheard by Dan

Restroom, Buffalo Blues, Shadyside:

White Girl in Stall #1: Bring back the Decade!
White Girl in Stall #2: Which decade would you bring back?
White Girl in Stall #1: You know, like the `50s. That’d be a good one to bring back. White Girl in Stall #2: I say bring `em all back!

White Girls leave stalls, laughing and wash their hands.

Drunk Black Woman in Stall #3: She said bring ‘em ALLLL back! We be in 1870 wearing ruffled shirts! We be like pirates and shit!!

Elevator, Litchfield Tower C, Pitt Campus. After Midnight.
A forlorn, disheveled Student talks to his less-disheveled friend:

Student #1: Ugh.
Student #2: What?
Student #1: Stephen Colbert just directed his Nerd Army to attack Wikipedia again.
Student #2: What, really? He’s still doing stuff like that?
Student #1: Yeah, I don’t know; I guess telling his mindless drones to fuck up their school’s dictionaries wasn’t hilarious enough.
Student #2: Didn’t he used to make fun of guys like that? Is he making fun of his fans, or what? I mean, what’s his point?
Student #1: Yeah; I used to think that stuff was funny, but now it’s just kind of weird and sad. I’m kind of ready for him to be over now.
Student #2: Yeah.

— Overheard by I used to think he was funny too

Editor’s Note: I have loved Stephen Colbert’s work for a long time — Exit 57, Strangers with Candy, the Daily Show, and his current series — but I think this stuff’s a little done, too. At what point did Colbert stop merely mimicking the charismatic leaders of cult-like movements and actually become one? When does the cost of the joke exceed the payoff? I really wish Colbert would stop with the Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show-audience-participation biz would stop so I can feel OK about liking his series again. — Chris

Escalator, Barnes and Noble, Squirrel Hill. Sunday afternoon.

College Nerdy Chick: [to two friends] So his wife went to Europe, and while she was away… He got their baby a vasectomy!
Friends: No way!

— Overheard by vin

Einstein Bros. Bagels, Posvar Hall, Pitt Campus.

Hipster Girl #1: He’s so attractive; what’s his major?
Hipster Girl #2: Urban Studies or something.
Hipster Girl #1: What does he want to do with his life, you know, besides biking?
Hipster Girl #2: Oh, you know, be a man…a big, virile man…with chest hair.
[...]
Hipster Girl #2: God, I need to go back on birth control.

— Overheard by voltron

61B Inbound. Morning.
A Goth of Indeterminate Gender in full regalia — fishnet gloves, chains, acne — stares into space for a while and then suddenly reaches for a cell phone:

Goth: Yo Scary! I really hate to bother you when you’re at work, but I just got the greatest idea for an album cover!
— Yeah, I’ll call you after school to tell you all about it. Bye.

Fish Counter, Giant Eagle Market District, Center Ave:

Middle-Aged Woman: So, I can just bake those and they’re ready, right?
Fishmonger: Yep, at nine hundred fifty degrees for four days.
Middle-Aged Woman: Riiiight.
[...]
Fishmonger: So what’re you gonna tell your guests you’re making?
Middle-Aged Woman: Reservations!  Ha!

— Overheard by Kevin

67F Outbound, leaving Pitt Campus:
Woman: [pointing to the footbridge over Forbes Ave.] When did they build that?
Man: It’s always been there. Look, it says on it, “Established 1787.”

Checkout Line, Giant Eagle, Squirrel Hill:

Guy: [talking about someone on the radio] I like to hear his voice, I just don’t want to see him. You know, like, you can fuck the hooker, but you shouldn’t kiss the hooker.
Girl: [sweetly] Awww, we had that conversation the first night we met.