Archive for January 2006
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
Item #92 from the Book “Discussion Topics While Carving a Processed Beef Log”
Arby’s, Oakland, late Friday evening:
Arby’s Chick in the Back, to Cashier: There are just some times I don’t think a woman should have full custody of her children.
— Submitted by Nearly I Repeatedly
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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
Knowledge is Power.
Carson News, Southside.
Two 20-Something Girls are minding the store:
Girl 1: If you want to feel better, take a look at that picture of Angelina Jolie in the upper left of that Enquirer.
Girl 2: [examining tabloid closely] Wow, that’s gotta hurt.
Girl 1: Yeah.
[Girl 2 takes the tabloid back to her stool at the counter.]
Girl 2: Uh-oh, Jacko’s on drugs again!
Girl 1: Oh no. What this time?
Girl 2: What’s Demerol?
Girl 1: That’s serious stuff.
Girl 2: What is it?
Girl 1: It’s some pain killer or something.
— Submitted by Chachi Hibachi
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Monday, January 16th, 2006
Our Mayor looks death in the eye and orders fries and a 40.
Party in South Oakland, Saturday night:
Drunk Guy in a Scotty Pippen Jersey: Hey everyone! I just got a text message from my friend! Bob O’Connor is drunk at The O!
— Submitted by Pharout
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Friday, January 13th, 2006
The Stovetop Stuffing commercials have really lost their charm
Forbes/Morewood, Oakland.
Two male students are parting when the one walking toward CMU campus turns around:
Student 1: Yo! Yo! Tell your mom I’ll be home for dinner.
Student 2: You’re a bitch.
Student 1: [pause] You’re my bitch!
— Submitted by laura
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Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
He must really love the first draft of Empire Strikes Back.
500, Outbound, Oakland.
A two-year-old girl has been sitting with a neglectful adult. A crazy 70-year-old man sitting at the back of the bus moves toward the front of the bus, sitting on her as if he hadn’t seen her:
Crazy 70-Year-Old Man: Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you here.
[He continues to play with the scared girl, intermittently speaking to the girl’s adult, his speech peppered with the word “Muthafucker.” Finally, the coup de grace:]
Crazy 70-Year-Old Man: I am your sugar daddy. Now, GIVE ME SOME PANTS!
— Submitted by Mara Svoboda
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Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
Ben and Jerry’s marketing department needs an overhaul.
Ice Cream Store, Squirrel Hill.
The place is empty of customers, and a black female employee is talking on the phone as an acquaintance approaches the counter:
Employee: Whatchu want? Black pussy?
Friend: Is that a new flavor?
— Submitted by Rocky Stradivarius
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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
Succinct!
American Independent Film Class, David Lawrence Hall, Pitt Campus:
The movie “sex, lies and videotape” is being screened:
Loud student: Spader is the horn-doctor!
— Submitted by McArdle
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Thursday, January 5th, 2006
You’ve got to have your priorities straight.
Chemistry Class, Chevron, Pitt Campus:
Old British Professor, handing out papers: It’s “pumpkin.” That’s the official color: pumpkin. We don’t mess around here.
— Submitted by Sophie
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Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
Lying is just like truth, only faster and more convenient.
AAA, Fort Couch Road, Upper St. Clair:
Supervisor: Well, how long have they been members?
Employee: Uh, 15 or 20 years.
Supervisor: Which one is it: 15 or 20?
Employee: 15.
Supervisor: You made that up, didn’t you?
Employee: Uh… yes.
— Submitted by KGB
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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
Awwww
Pedestrian Bridge over Forbes, Pitt Campus, Oakland.
An older couple walks, arms linked:
Lady: What’s the temperature like?
Gentleman: In my heart, or in the air?
— Submitted by Robin H