Archive for January 2006
Friday, January 27th, 2006
Shedding a Little Light on the News, and a Little Brightness on Your Morning
KDKA-TV2 5 AM News, Tueday, January 24, 2006.
Keith Jones and Sonni Abatta are coming out of a romantically unpleasant story about a man in Utah finally relenting and asking his girlfriend of many years to marry him:
Keith Jones: Yeah, see, the safer bet woulda said, “When the Penguins win the Cup.”
[Jones stares into the camera, deadpan]
Ouch.
Sonni Abatta: Ouch! Ouch, Keith!
Keith Jones: There’s a new Steelers song out there, and it doesn’t mention a thing about the Super Bowl, or how great the team is: It only mentions one player. A local band called — this is funny stuff — [shakes his head, laughing] Mr. Devious came up with it when a few weeks back, a Fox Sports announcer butchered Troy Polamalu’s name.
[Shot cuts to footage of Troy Polamalu on the ground, groping desperately for the ball, as the song “Polamalu”, to the tune of the Muppets song “Mahna Mahna” plays.]
Sonni Abatta: [mumbling jovially] …The Muppets… [laughs]
[Song continues unabated over unedited, semi-related game footage. Sonni Abatta laughs again. Shot cuts back to Keith Jones, who has the corners of several sheets of paper in his smiling mouth.]
Keith Jones: I am absolutely entertained by this, I’m telling you.
[Big Smile.]
Several radio stations are playing this song, I’ve heard it, and it’s being e-mailed like crazy. In fact, more than 8,000 people have downloaded that song.
[Big Smile.]
Sonni Abatta: It’s great! It’s like that Muppet song, the “Mahna—
Keith Jones: It sounds like it, doesn’t it?
Sonni Abatta: Yeah!
Keith Jones: Gonzo, or one of ‘em…
[Makes Wacky Bug-Eyed Face]
Sonni Abatta: Alright, 5:57 the time, 24 degrees.
[Cut to Commercial.]
— Submitted by Station 8XK
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Friday, January 27th, 2006
Gay Cowboys in Love: A Case Study in 134 Minutes
71A, Oakland:
College Girl on Cell: Oh my God, so, we watched Brokeback Mountain last night — have you heard about it?
— Uh-huh.
— well, it proves one thing: [Stage whisper] HOMOSEXUALITY is — you know, you’re BORN with it. I mean, those guys were in WYOMING, you know? It’s RURAL there!
— Submitted by James.
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Thursday, January 26th, 2006
It’s his defining achievement.
Bagel Place, Squirrel Hill:
Bagel Guy 1: Let me tell you a funny story about my kid. Well, maybe it’s not funny, but it fits my se— [momentarily distracted by something work-related]
Bagel Guy 2: Sensibilities? Sense of humor?
Bagel Guy 1: Yeah, my sense of humor.
So, this was a couple of years ago, and we’re driving in the car, and he turns to me and says, “Dad, who do think the most important man in history is?”
And I said, “Well, I don’t know. I suppose there have been a lot of important men in history. Who do you think it is?”
And he says, “I think it’s Martin Luther King, Jr.”
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“Well, before him, blacks and whites couldn’t mix together.”
“Yeah, I suppose that’s true. Martin Luther King made it so blacks and whites could mix together. I guess that does make him pretty important.”
And then he says, “And if blacks and whites couldn’t mix together, Pitt basketball wouldn’t be as good as it is.”
When I heard that, I was just cracking up.
— Submitted by Roscoe P. Offspring
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Thursday, January 26th, 2006
I hope those six children know how lucky they are.
61A, Oakland:
Loud Woman on Cell Phone: No, we gettin’ off in three or four stops.
— THREE OR FOUR, you know? They ain’t eat anything since breakfast, so we gettin’ off for food.
— THREE OR FOUR STOPS. We’re in Oakland; we got a few more stops.
— THREE OR FOUR MORE.
[…]
Pizza Hut, I guess
[…]
[sighing] Man, I GOT GAS.
— Submitted by Tia
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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
You’d hope; unfortunately, that doesn’t work for the Penguins.
Forbes Ave, Downtown:
Woman Adorned in Black and Gold: I already spent enough on ‘ese jagoffs — ‘ey better win!
— Submitted by jack wilson
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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
They really need to uninstall those new talking Mayor McCheese heads.
Playland, McDonald’s, Century Square.
An Eight-Year-Old Boy is leaving the play area to get a drink of water from his table:
Eight-Year-Old Boy: [lets out a resigned sigh and mutters under his breath] I’m going to hell when I die.
— Submitted by zig
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
Touché
Restaurant, Squirrel Hill:
Waiter 1: [Waitress] keeps calling me a pedophile
Waiter 2: Why’s she doing that?
Waiter 1: Because she says I resemble a pedophile.
Waiter 2: Maybe you look like her uncle.
— Submitted by Jump Jump a Little
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
Home Remedy: You can jog the sperm back out of the egg.
Stairwell, CCAC Allegheny Campus.
Two girls with noticably fake hair walk down the stairs after class:
Fake Hair Girl 1, to the Other: Hurry up, girl, or I’ma be pregnant.
— Submitted by sneelok
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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
NFL Announces New Artificial Heart-Valve Licensee
6:30 p.m., Jan. 22, 2006, Liberty & 7th, Downtown.
The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl:
Elaborately garbed Steelers fan: [Yelling across the street] Hey man! Where’s your black and gold?!
Man in Plain Clothes: [Pats chest] It’s in my heart!
— Submitted by Melanie
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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
Nice try, dude.
BMW Dealership, Centre and Morewood, Shadyside.
A woman is on foot, cutting through the dealership to get to the bus stop:
Salesman, to Woman: You know, walking’s no good for you.
[Woman pauses to give the salesman a funny look, then continues walking.]
Salesman, yelling after Woman: It’s not good for you! You should buy a car!
— Submitted by Pharout