Overheard in Pittsburgh

Family Brunch, South Hills.
Seven-Year-Old Girl is is sitting at a Spongebob Squarepants table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich:

Girl: Dad, can I have a glass of chocolate milk?
Dad: No, you can’t have chocolate milk with every goddang meal.
Girl: Pleaaaase?
Dad: No.
[Four-Year-Old Boy, wide-eyed with messed up hair, wanders into the room.]
Boy: leans over to sister and whispers loudly] Me touch my BUM.

– Submitted by Mike-South Hills

Cosmetics Aisle, Wal*Mart Supercenter, West Mifflin:

Eight-Year-Old Boy with a Plastic Sickle: Mom, can I get this? [Waves scythe in the air.]
Mom, looking at makeup with her daughter: No. Why would you want that?
Son: [very serious] So when I have frustrations, I can pretend to chop people’s heads off with it.
Mother: No!
Son: But it’s only $2.38.

– Submitted by Rebecca

71A, East Liberty:

Driver: Next stop is Black Street, No Diggity!

– Submitted by Moose

Computer Kiosks, William Pitt Union, Pitt Campus,
Two very effeminate gay guys are playing with Instant Messenger:

Gay Dude 1: He’s finally talking!
Gay Dude 2: Amazing!
Gay Dude 1: We should nickname him Mystery Spice!
[Both excitedly jump into the air.]

– Submitted by M. Davies

Alley between Liberty Avenue and Grant Street, Downtown.
Two men in their 60s are watching some old buildings being torn down on their lunch hours:

Old Man 1: What was in those?
Old Man 2: I’m pretty sure there was a strip there. Chez Kimberly?
Old Man 1: Oh yeah. That’s Right. Wait a minute. How do you know that? [laughs knowingly]
Old Man 2: Why do you think I never got married…or retired?
Old Man 1: You mean your retirement fund went to the dancers?
Old Man 2: I called it my 401-G.
Old Man 1: 401-G?
Old Man 2: As in G-string.
Old Man 1: [laughs] This used to be a pretty big red light district, huh?
Old Man 2: Yeah, and now its the Cultural District.
Old Man 1: Well, that’s progress for ya.

– Submitted by Ben

Departmental Retreat, North Park:

Community Outreach Woman, dissapointedly regarding the buffet: African-Americans, we like to eat food. We don’t do none of this continental stuff.

– Submitted by M. Davies

Outside Kaya, Strip District:

Homeless Man with Tattered Umbrella: Hey, hey… Is Halloween this year or next year?
Couple: Excuse me?
Homeless Man: I said, is Halloween this year or next year?
Couple: Both: It happens every year.
Homeless Man: GET AWAY FROM ME, WITCHES!

– Submitted by bwzimmerman

East End Food Co-Op Parking Lot, Wilkinsburg.

College Student 1: So you’re just patrolling the parking lot?
Cop: Yeah. Its pretty quiet.
College Student 2: So where’s your beating stick?
Cop: Beating stick? I don’t need one: I gots a 9 Glock. If I get in a situation, there’ll be bodies everywhere with this thing. No beating stick neccessary.

– Submitted by TheConnor

DSW Shoe Warehouse, Waterfront:

Woman Entering Store: This place always smells like a horse.

– Submitted by Robin H

EBO, Oakland-Bound:

Middle-Aged Guy: Have you seen Corpse Bride?
Young Guy: No, I never go to the movies anymore.
Middle-Aged Guy: I know; they’re so expensive. And why would I go to the movies when I’ve got the big screen and the surround sound in my house, and I can eat a Pizza~Hut™ pizza while I watch?

– Submitted by Robin H