Archive for October 2005
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
I know which one I identify with. How about you? (II)
Family Brunch, South Hills.
Seven-Year-Old Girl is is sitting at a Spongebob Squarepants table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich:
Girl: Dad, can I have a glass of chocolate milk?
Dad: No, you can’t have chocolate milk with every goddang meal.
Girl: Pleaaaase?
Dad: No.
[Four-Year-Old Boy, wide-eyed with messed up hair, wanders into the room.]
Boy: leans over to sister and whispers loudly] Me touch my BUM.
– Submitted by Mike-South Hills
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Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
I know which one I identify with. How about you?
Cosmetics Aisle, Wal*Mart Supercenter, West Mifflin:
Eight-Year-Old Boy with a Plastic Sickle: Mom, can I get this? [Waves scythe in the air.]
Mom, looking at makeup with her daughter: No. Why would you want that?
Son: [very serious] So when I have frustrations, I can pretend to chop people’s heads off with it.
Mother: No!
Son: But it’s only $2.38.
– Submitted by Rebecca
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Friday, October 21st, 2005
I got to bag it up.
71A, East Liberty:
Driver: Next stop is Black Street, No Diggity!
– Submitted by Moose
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Thursday, October 20th, 2005
Apparently, the Spice Girls are not fully out our systems yet.
Computer Kiosks, William Pitt Union, Pitt Campus,
Two very effeminate gay guys are playing with Instant Messenger:
Gay Dude 1: He’s finally talking!
Gay Dude 2: Amazing!
Gay Dude 1: We should nickname him Mystery Spice!
[Both excitedly jump into the air.]
– Submitted by M. Davies
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Thursday, October 20th, 2005
Just Remembering the Good Ol’ Days
Alley between Liberty Avenue and Grant Street, Downtown.
Two men in their 60s are watching some old buildings being torn down on their lunch hours:
Old Man 1: What was in those?
Old Man 2: I’m pretty sure there was a strip there. Chez Kimberly?
Old Man 1: Oh yeah. That’s Right. Wait a minute. How do you know that? [laughs knowingly]
Old Man 2: Why do you think I never got married…or retired?
Old Man 1: You mean your retirement fund went to the dancers?
Old Man 2: I called it my 401-G.
Old Man 1: 401-G?
Old Man 2: As in G-string.
Old Man 1: [laughs] This used to be a pretty big red light district, huh?
Old Man 2: Yeah, and now its the Cultural District.
Old Man 1: Well, that’s progress for ya.
– Submitted by Ben
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
There are no shades of gray in breakfast.
Departmental Retreat, North Park:
Community Outreach Woman, dissapointedly regarding the buffet: African-Americans, we like to eat food. We don’t do none of this continental stuff.
– Submitted by M. Davies
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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
Classic Boy Scout Jamboree Skit #27: The Witch-Smeller
Outside Kaya, Strip District:
Homeless Man with Tattered Umbrella: Hey, hey… Is Halloween this year or next year?
Couple: Excuse me?
Homeless Man: I said, is Halloween this year or next year?
Couple: Both: It happens every year.
Homeless Man: GET AWAY FROM ME, WITCHES!
– Submitted by bwzimmerman
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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
Granola shoplifters can force a man to do something drastic.
East End Food Co-Op Parking Lot, Wilkinsburg.
College Student 1: So you’re just patrolling the parking lot?
Cop: Yeah. Its pretty quiet.
College Student 2: So where’s your beating stick?
Cop: Beating stick? I don’t need one: I gots a 9 Glock. If I get in a situation, there’ll be bodies everywhere with this thing. No beating stick neccessary.
– Submitted by TheConnor
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Monday, October 17th, 2005
With such pathetic excuses, she should just come out and admit that she dealt it.
DSW Shoe Warehouse, Waterfront:
Woman Entering Store: This place always smells like a horse.
– Submitted by Robin H
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Saturday, October 15th, 2005
“You can’t hear teenagers openly discussing the intimate details of their lives at home.”
EBO, Oakland-Bound:
Middle-Aged Guy: Have you seen Corpse Bride?
Young Guy: No, I never go to the movies anymore.
Middle-Aged Guy: I know; they’re so expensive. And why would I go to the movies when I’ve got the big screen and the surround sound in my house, and I can eat a Pizza~Hut™ pizza while I watch?
– Submitted by Robin H