Overheard in Pittsburgh

Starbucks, Forbes and Shady, Squirrel Hill:

Man at Register: What kind of tea you want?
Man on Couch: I don’t know.
Man at Register: Oh, that’s right, you only like cum-flavored tea. [To cashier:] I’ll take a Tall Earl Grey…

— Submitted by G

Early Sunday morning, Evaline Halloween party Friendship:

Winnie-the-Pooh: I’ll be right back—
Headstrong Turkish Doorman: OK.
Winnie-the-Pooh: —I’m just going to find a place to pee out there. I was inside but the line was too long. [gestures to the girl trailing him, holding onto him by his Winnie-the-Pooh hood] She’s going to hold this for me.
Headstrong Turkish Doorman: Thanks for all that information. [pause] Well, you know a woman loves you when she helps you out of your bear suit so you can pee in the street.

— Submitted by Zig

Crazy Mocha, Oakland:

Meathead with a Buzzcut: It’s totally gay. I don’t mean gay in the good way either, like my friend Chris. I mean “totally stupid.”

— Submitted by MacArdle

Before a Poetry Reading, Frick Fine Arts Auditorium, Pitt Campus:

College Chick 1: I’m going to dress as a policewoman — but a sexy policewoman. Not too sexy, though. You know, with the black boots, but not the tiny little blue skirt.

College Chick 2: So, like, a sensual policewoman?

— Submitted by McArdle

SuperCuts, Liberty Avenue, Downtown:

Man Cutting Hair: My mom got breast implants when I was two and it was all downhill for my family from there.

– Submitted by ‘Chris’

Starbucks, Forbes and Craig, Oakland:

Barista: Double half-caff skim soy latte/no whip/one pump/light foam!
Customer: Wow, that’s quite a mouthful!
Barista: Well, I do work out.

– Submitted by Kelly

Women’s Restroom, UPMC Habitrail, Oakland:

Co-Worker 1: Did you see that game yesterday? We played a great game.
Co-Worker 2: We sure did, lemme tell ya.
Co-Worker 1: It was beautiful.
Co-Worker 2: People are still pissed off about the last one.
Co-Worker 1: Maddox really blew it.
Co-Worker 2: And the nerve of Cowher, having a press conference to apologize for not putting in Bettis. His taking the blame is taking focus off Maddox. Maddox obviously has pictures of everyone on that team with a donkey.

– Submitted by Zig

71C, Shadyside:

Dyed-Blonde in Expensive Clothes: I’ve been 21 since I was 17, so all my birthday means is I have to learn to use my real ID.

– Submitted by Robin H

Office Building Elevator, Downtown:

Woman: So whatddja do on yer week off, Eddie?
Man: Tore aht the fahrplace and the mantle.
Woman: What, er ya gonna put in new?
Man: Nah, jus put up wahlboard and threw the entertainment center in front. Let the next people who own the hahse worry about what’s back there! Never used it. The wife was gettin sick of it, always taken up space.

– Submitted by Very Friendly

Coffee Tree Roasters, Squirrel Hill:

Teen Boy: Sam really loves that motorcycle.
Teen Girl: Sam?
Teen Boy: Oh, right: Shmuel.

– Submitted by M. Davies